This is long and rambling.
I have been married for almost 12 years. I have 2 beautiful children. About 2 years ago, my husband started slowly losing his mind. It has been devastating to watch, but even harder to live through.
It started with hallucinations and delusions. He sought help in the beginning. He was diagnosed with Lyme disease at the hospital, which probably has nothing to do with the other symptoms, but cannot be ruled out as a cause. He was hospitalized and treated for Lyme. He has neurological issues and pain. Many days he cannot get out of bed or get dressed on his own so I help him with that. He hasn’t worked much, so his business has pretty well dried up.
The psychiatric symptoms persist and he refused help. He was diagnosed with psychosis. He refuses to believe it it true. He has seen so many specialists, therapists, etc.
He gets confused a lot. He screams a lot. He breaks things a lot. But these behaviors aren’t HIM. They’re his illness. He was never even remotely like this. He was kind and sweet.
I haven’t owned real dishes in a year and a half. He broke 27 plates in a couple of months. He busted the glass out of our oven. We have gone through 17 brooms because he has bashed them to pieces. He just spends most of his time “cleaning” the house by vacuuming the same area rug for 6 continuous hours.
He has hit me when he’s confused. He has been unfaithful (not in the traditional sense, but had an inappropriate relationship with someone). He tells me almost daily how much he hates me for not believing his delusions. He has talked to me about his suicidal ideation. Here’s the thing: if he is hospitalized against his will, then he will lose his professional license and ruin any career he could have in the future. It will also affect my job. But I have recently I have discussed involuntary hospitalization with his doctor if he didnt start medication.
I have been able to shield the kids from a lot of it. When his agitation starts I have then go to their room. I turn on their TV and shut the door. He doesn’t get agitated with them, so I’m not worried about him harming them. Also, he delusions involve his own body and the cleanliness of his surroundings. He doesn’t project it onto anyone else.
He started an antidepressant and, although it hasn’t altered his delusions, it has vastly improved his mood and he has been very kind to me. Here’s what sucks — I’ve checked out. After 2 years of being told how much you are hated it kills any affection you once had for that person. He’s trying finally. He’s seeing a psychiatrist. He’s trying so hard. And I don’t think I can hold on any longer. I told myself I would get him better and then I would leave him. But if I leave now that jeopardizes his willingness for treatment. He also may harm himself. But I’m suffocating. I’m so depressed myself that I have to force myself out of bed every morning to get to work. I get the kids to school. I endure angry and confused texts from him while I’m at work, I come home, get the kids fed and bathed and ready for bed. And then I sit up for hours. Usually getting 3-4 hrs of sleep per night.
But I can’t jeopardize his treatment by leaving. His health is more important than my happiness. His life is more important than my happiness. He didn’t ask to get sick. He deserves to have his life back. And he has nowhere to go because he has alienated himself from family and friends.
Please don’t just tell me how much I’ve failed my husband and my kids. I already know.
To make matters worse, I’ve made a friend recently and am so confused by my feelings for him. But I’d probably feel that way about anyone who showed me the slightest kindness right now. I could never ask him how he feels (for a lot of reasons). I am married and would never ever be the kind of person to cheat. Ever. And I would be horrified if he was the kind of person who would want me to.
So I’m stuck. Forever maybe.