My anxiety is unbearable. I’m in so much pain. Typing is very hard for me too. But anyway, there’s a lot of reason for my brain to go wild : my bf left me to go on vacation with his parents without even proposing me to go with them (even if he knows that I’ve recently been feeling fckng awful and that leaving just a week with him to finally relax would have been amazing for me). I feel so alone and sad, I feel like he didn’t wanted me to come because I’m very annoying at the moment because of my anxiety (and my brain is not capable of working correctly). He’s sending me a lot of pictures from the place he’s visiting and it hurts so much. I just can’t help but imagine being with him. This night, he got to go alone without his parents to drink alcohol in a bar. He said to me that he didn’t talk to anyone while drinking 2 shots and a bottle of cider.. I feel like he’s lying to me. It’s really not his type to go alone and drink alone in a bar.
It’s one big part of my anxiety right now but there’s lot others things that are just too much for me. I feel so powerless, I cried for 2 damn hours and I’ve been smoking a lot. Everything is so painful and I can’t talk to anyone about that since talking makes me EVEN MORE anxious.
I know that I need professional help but I can’t afford it for now.
I’m sorry if you think I’m a crybaby.
And since it’s a place to vent, I’m just going to make a list of what is destroying my sanity right now : -my friend is no longer friend with the bestfriend of my bf (lot of the word friend lmao) and I’ve been traumatised from a past relationship that was toxic af so this is really hard for me to deal with that -I’ve left my parents to live in an appartment with my bf and now they’re sad all the time and argue a lot together and I feel very guilty about it -my dad is really sick (can’t explain, too hard for me) -I have a test of the highway code coming and I’m really not ready for it since I can’t study for it because of my anxiety -I can’t draw anymore, I’m having a massive art block since 3 months already – I’ve been arguing a lot for stupid things with my bf because I’m very impulsive because of my g** d*** anxiety and I feel guilty about that – I have a lot of work to do for my art school that I can’t do bc OF MY ANXIETY WOW -being alone at my place feels so damn full and empty at the same time it’s sickening – I don’t eat properly because of… my anxiety – I’m so damn tired – my migraines are killing me -I still have to be there for my friends that need help but I feel like I need to think more about myself – I’m addicted to my phone because it’s the only thing that is helping me a lil bit to relax – I’ve been sleeping for only 4 hours each night – my parents are very mad at my bf for not inviting me to go with him – my family is falling into pieces bc of a lot of complicated things -my life’s a f***ing mess – I’ve thought a lot about hurting myself again – I’ve restrained myself from drinking but I think it’s not going to last for long.
Thank you for reading.
Felt a lil good to write all of this
Oh and I’m french so that’s why I’m making a loooot of mistakes in my sentences.