One afternoon when I was a little kid, literally changed my whole life completely! I honestly often wonder how my life would’ve turned out / how my life would be different as a result of something not happening..
That happening, was when my interest in shoes began. (I did make a vent before on here, speaking about the annoyance of society in so easily judging those who are ‘different’ and do not follow the ‘social norms‘, but for those first reading this, I am a straight male, but I like women’s shoes).
Throughout my life, I’ve often lived inside this bubble of insecurity, not really knowing myself, not wanting to accept certain things for fear of being ridiculed etc. This happened, on more than one occasion, sadly. Once wanting to trust someone who I was close to friendship-wise, and another time by friends who I considered close. Each time it crippled me. Crippled me enough that I often became isolated in myself, a horribly depressed, not only for the fact that I was a male and I liked shoes, but also to do with areas associated, which stemmed from the first day all of this started. I’ve often been horribly ashamed and embarrassed to even mention this, more so verbally, but even in writing, but sometimes, those bullets have to be bit to progress! The associated bits spoken of refer to an interest in shoes in the dirt.
I know.. you raised an eyebrow VERY high just then, didn’t you? It’s ok though, I do understand. All to well.
But, such isolated thoughts I’ve had growing up, not entirely sure of my identity, having literally no one willing to talk to me and understanding, led me to drink. As all teenagers generally do, they go out on Friday and/or Saturday nights, have a few cans with their mates over the local park etc. I was no different. Except, I liked the taste of booze. And it also had this ‘numbing’ effect on me, which, had its uses, up to an extent!
But, many years later, I’m STILL struggling to accept things! I like shoes, that much I can admit openly. But what I find SO hard, and so frustrating is with relationships. You get to know someone, it starts working out, you like them and they like you… but it does become problematic to a degree when they query why you don’t drink. I’m an alcoholic, I will also openly admit that. But that is still a horribly frowned upon word by so many! After the subject is mentioned, you have NO idea how many people flee, wanting nothing to do with someone ‘messed up’ like that! Almost time after time.. how does it make me feel? VERY annoyed! And what’s worse, is that, if I’ve found that people still struggle to accept something like that, (most of the time) even without actually getting to know you as a person… how would I ever feel confident ACTUALLY being open and honest with someone over those additional deep rooted issues from my past?
At some point, you have to be honest. Realistically, its not something that one can hold back forever, considering what effect it has had on me over the years. And quite honestly, I’m completely fed up! I’m fed up that with SO many changes happening in the word with more acceptance in same-sex relationships etc. we’re still struggling to accept other areas of peoples lives!
Part of me wants to give up on the whole aspect, hide away again because no one really cares much, and ignore myself, the other half…. being open, am I still wasting my time?