I hate not finishing things before I get more projects started. I get things so close to done, like painting my family room. It’s almost done, and has been for a long time. I don’t understand it.
And only people with ADHD seem to understand compassionately, because it really seems so stupid and that I should have better control over my actions. And I agree!
So I feel like a failure, just tragically flawed, having no self discipline and lazy. Yet I can work so hard.
Currently landscaping all around my house. Planting rubber trees , banana trees and ginger. All from cuttings and transplanted from my previous home. I need privacy at my house. So, I am driven to get these large tropical plants in! People across the street sit on their porch, or bench out front, and smoke. I feel so very self conscious. Maybe they aren’t even watching me! But I really don’t like ( OK. Hate), being watched!
I moved here 18 months ago. I want to be comfortable here. But I am not. I am sure my discomfort contributes to long overdue ‘nesting’. Sometimes ADHD is ok, or even fun. so so so grateful to be retired. But the lack of a schedule has allowed my to morph into a night owl. I stay awake until 3. Or 4 AM. Sleep until noon. I feel pretty certain a work schedule would help me. But, like I say (to myself) a lot these days: “I don’t wanna!”.
I live alone, except for my loving pet companions. My loneliness is overwhelmingly painful sometimes. Where is my tribe? But making and keeping friends is just hard! My adult kids are busy. And I know that it a good thing. I am an active 60 year old, healthy, usually content. But sometimes I feel like a cat chasing her tail in circles. Sometimes I can laugh at myself (Thank god!). And sometimes, like today, it just hurts!
Thanks for letting me vent.