Divorce…this seems to be such a common thread lately. Such a shame. This is where I found myself. Not my choice, either. Not my children’s choice. I was angry, sad, frustrated, and hurt.
It was the hurt that did me in (does me in). I broke down (I break down). I did all I could to hide it (I still hide it). It has been more than four years since we separated and two years since the divorce. I still wonder what led my life to being a lie. I know now (not that it has been admitted) that she settled when she married me. We have children together, I thought we had a family, but the whole thing was a lie on her side. I have custody, yet she rarely sees them. It’s almost as if she never wanted them in the first place. She is not the person I thought she was all those years ago (20 of them) when first I kissed her.
No matter what I do, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that she seems to not want to see her children, but will put on a front as if she cares.
I have been criticized by some for being a single father. I have had people ask me how I could “take” my children from their mother. These people will never hear me out when I say that my children asked to be with me instead of her. I still manage to be the bad guy, and that is something that is hard to deal with.
I love my children. More than anything. I would do anything for them, but the one thing I cannot give them is a loving mother. I will not date someone to “replace” her. That is not fair to them. Hell, for that matter, I do not date. I have been out on a few dinners, but nothing that would amount to anything. I have felt that if I start dating, I am taking something away from my children…me.
I also think about everything I gave to my marriage; the love, devotion, and care. I held her hand, kissed her, touched her…because I wanted to. I didn’t realize until nearing our separation that she did those things for me because she felt she was supposed to. There was no desire. As the years have passed, I have come to the realization that she had been like this throughout our relationship…
…and I don’t know why.
I don’t know why a person could be with someone that has given everything of themselves if they do not feel the same way. I don’t know why a wife would lay with her husband, night after night, if she did not want to be there. I don’t know how she could bear children, if she did not want them to begin with. And I don’t know how she could look at this man that is her husband, a husband that loved her to no end, and think that what she is doing is ok.
So, I raise my children and choose to be alone. I have opted to being solely a father until they are grown and out of the house. Then, if there is someone out there, maybe then I can consider my life with another. I just hope that I have something left to give. Like many, I just have the desire to be loved, to be wanted, and for that expression to be shown by the person I am with. I feel empty and deflated, but if I meet someone, and they reach across the space between us to grasp my hand, I will know that there is hope for me yet.